May 10, 2012

A Day in the Life of Me.

First of all, can we start out with the fact that I'm lucky to be sitting here pecking at this keyboard?

*Warning: if words like "shit", "mother effer" or "damn" offend you, 
you might want to go ahead and click that little red "X" in the corner of your screen*

So the other night I decided to turn into Betty Crocker and make "Applesauce Cupcakes" for my nursing team at work. (BTW-it's nurses' week. Shout out to all the nurses!!)

Ok-back to Betty Crocker...

So I found this recipe on Pinterest and thought "What the hay? Let's give it a whirl." (I should have prefaced this by saying "I DO NOT BAKE." I just don't. There are one too many rules to be followed when you bake and following rules is not my forte.) Whatever. I'll bake for my nurses...

So I head to the grocery store for all the 'gredients, get home and start reading the recipe. 

A hand mixer? Say wha? 

Yes. I have one but I mean, really? Can't I just stir it all up in super-duper fast mode and get the same effect? Wouldn't that serve the same purpose without me having to get out yet another appliance? Yea...I didn't think so. (Reason #3467 why I don't bake: too many tools, too many ingredients, too much measuring.)

Fine. Hand-mixer it is.

I get it out, plug it in, rummage through the kitchen drawer for the mixers. Plug the first one in. Plug the second one in. And this is when shit went wrong...

You see...when I went to put the second mixer in, my hand holding the actually base of the mixer slipped and hit the "ON" button. And by "ON" I mean it definitely slipped all the freaking way up to the highest setting possible, meanwhile, my other hand is STUCK IN THE MOVING MIXER.

To paint the picture for you...imagine one hand holding the base of the mixer with the other hand completely stuck completely in the other mixer on the highest speed possible. I swear that thing get's 5,000 RPM...

Talk. About. Tears.

I've never seen my fingers go in so many different directions all at the same time...except for when I speak sign language...which I don't do either...

I rest my case.

There were tears. And sweet Beau kisses. And the cupcakes were pretty damn good if I must say so myself (sans fingers, of course.)

Moral of the story: when your hand gets stuck in the mixer, it's a 
sure sign from God that you should go ahead and retire from your baking career.
My seecond fail of the week was yet the kitchen.
Oh-and the same night as the Betty Croker fail. (Damn it, Stephanie!)

Here I am testing out yet another new recipe...this time...salmon patties. I open the main ingredient: canned salmon, only to find that by "canned salmon" they meant "Hey. Let's throw an entire freaking fish into a blender and can that shit" because that's exactly what it was. Shredded salmon stuffed up in a can. Bones, scales, name it, it was canned. (Why on Earth ANYONE would intentionally buy this is physically and mentally BEYOND me...)

I should have known it was going to be a rough night in the kitchen from the second my phalanges (aka: fingers for all you non-anatomical peeps) got stuck in that hand-mixer...Seriously.

Screw you hand-mixer.
Stupid freaking salmon...
Never again.

Moral of the story: DON'T buy canned salmon, 
stick to the recipes you're used to & no one gets hurt.
And just one more awesomesauce example of a day in the life of me...

This morning, my alarm failed to go off (Guh-reat. I should have known right then and there it was going to be one of "those" days). I ran out of the house with wet hair, half-ass makeup only to find out at ONE P.M. that I'm wearing two totally different earrings. Mother effer.
You've got to be kidding, right??
{at least I was kinda close, right?}

Apparently all the cool kids can't cook AND wear mis-matched should try it some time.

This is my life. I don't know why I'm surprised...
And now that you've wasted 10 minutes of your life reading about my misfortunes of the week, what do you say we end on a couple more pics from this weekend's photoshoot:

That Shalyn...sigggh.
I can. NOT. wait to see the real things!

Does anyone else find it incredibly sweet that her adorable Drew Drew takes
 pictures of her while she's taking pictures of her subject?! Seriously adorable. :)
Happy Thursday, friends. Who needs a cocktail?


  1. Oh no!!! Sounds like me in the Kitchen... I swear when I try to do something new it ALWAYS ends up a disaster. OY!

    I Can't WAIT to see those pictures!!!!

  2. They do sell canned salmon that is the meat only, otherwise I would NEVER make it! It just comes in much smaller cans and costs more, but it is SO worth it! Definitely look for it next time!

  3. asww you poor thing! i'm glad the cupcakes turned out though!

  4. DUDE omgggg I've done the same thing with my fingers and I think I screamed bloody murder. This is why we are friends hahaha. Love the shirt and LOVE YOU! As soon as this wedding is done being edited I will be posting yo pics lovahhh! Love you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Obviously my week has been insane because I haven't even got to post about OUR WEEKEND! I'm such a dud.

  5. Ok so I gotta be honest I am totally laughing my behind off at the sight of you with your phalanges all tangled up in your hand mixer. Glad you are ok though. I know those hand mixers can be the death of us sometimes. Word to the time dont plug it in till AFTER you put the mixers in.

    On another note your pictures are to die for. DIE!

  6. SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR! I just did the same damn thing with the salmon patties like 2 weeks ago!! Just tryin' to be all Suzie Homemaker for my man, and I opened up the salmon to the same scene.

    Except I failed in thinking I could try to dissect the bones. Don't try that. Once I realized I was holding fishy vertebre, I was like FUGGGGGG THIS!

  7. I am sorry! I hope your week gets better! I have been there with that salmon and once I opened it I will never do it again its gross and picking that out take way tooo long.

  8. Oh my goodness! Good thing you're ok but, that's why I don't like new recipes. They're so sketchy & throws you out of your groove!

  9. OH MY GOSH! I was completely cringing while I was reading the finger part! ACK!!!!! They're ok now, right?!?!? You still have 10 fingers? Let's hope.

    As for salmon... that's NASTY. So gross. Ick. Ick. Ick.

    Love the different earrings... so funny! :)

    I can't wait to see the pics... so pretty!

  10. LOL I love your crazy ass. Those cupcakes would be perfect for halloween you could stick those fingas on top as decor!! I'm just as excited as you are to see these PICS!!!! oh and for your face to be gracing mine so so so soon.


  11. I love salmon patties, but I refuse to make them. You have to mix it in your hands.. Umm... No thanks. I can live without. Or maybe I should buy gloves,

    I love that DDHP takes pictures of Shay while she is taking pictures during shoots. I'm going to make my hubby do that, cause it is too darn adorable.

  12. Ok I do have to admit I did laugh when reading about you accidently turning the hand mixer on while your hand was there. Hope your ok and you still have all 10 fingers attached. I just made something the other night that said to use a hand mixer and I had the same thought process. Can't I just stir it really realy fast?! I finally agreed to use the thing and it took me 5-10 minutes to figure out how to keep the stupid mixer things IN the mixer. So complicated and probably could have had my ingredients all mixed by that time.

    Oh and I would have FREAKED seeing the canned Salmon like that!

  13. Ohh Steph I am so sorry.. that sounds terrible! Glad all of your fingers are still intact. What you need is one of those fancy Kitchenaid mixers. Those things are the and make baking SO much more fun. Too bad they are like $300.. I don't even have one I am just speaking from experience of using my mothers! Can't wait to see Shalyn's pretty pictures! Happy Thursday :)

  14. I feel your pain on the earrings! I once wore two different colored shoes to work! (One navy and one black!) Talk about embarrasssssing!!

  15. Hahaha at least your mishaps give me laughter and joy from reading about them.

  16. SO WEIRD!! my alarm didn't go off this morning either..and i forgot to wear my watch which i SWEAR has never ever happened to me. it's like that thing's glued to my wrist. clearly we are both ready for finally friday!

    great post. glad it wasn't the garbage disposal...

  17. I have had the same mishap with my hand mixer!!!! My whole hand was cut up and bruised:( Let's just stick to buying our baked goods, girl! P.S. love those photos from this past weekend - so cute!

  18. I'm so glad your phalanges are OK! I would have cried too. I don't bake or cook either. It's dangerous! haha!

    Can't wait to see some pics from you shoot with Shay. Shawn and I are actually doing a shoot like this tonight!!! I hope you two love birds had fun :)

  19. legit my stomach just turned. I don't eat salmon period (it's too fishy for me) and the thought of it in a can like you described makes me want to yack up my Lean Cuisine panani i just ate. VOM dot COM.

  20. Cannot wait to see the photos and I am super happy your hand is ok! I once baked something at 450 when it was supposed to be at 350, needless to say it tasted like shit. I also do not cook.

  21. haha Oh gosh!! I'm sorry, those mixers can be nasty little machines. I know that one hurt pretty badly. I hope your hand is recovered! Just eat the cupcakes to feel better :)

  22. I am dying! The visual I am getting of you mixing your hand AND opening that nasty can of salmon is just TOO funny!

  23. I'm loving your Neal's shirt!! The Frio is my happy place, and I'm actually wearing a Frio River shirt today :)


  24. I used to be HORRIBLE in the kitchen but would just make up random recipes and now LOVE to cook and bake!! :)

    Jeremy shut OFF my alarm this morning instead of hitting snooze!!! Had 45 mins to shower, blow out curly hair straight, do makeup and get dressed... thanks babe!!

    LOVE the pic preview!!!! :)

  25. Didn't yo mama ever tell you to put the mixing bits on BEFORE plugging it in!!?? Baking101.
    Lol you poor thing! That has always terrified me, and now hearing a first hand account of what its actually like...well..*shudder*
    On the bright side, my bet is you probably won't ever make that mistake again? Silver linings :)

  26. Aww no! I've totally gotten my hand stuck in the mixer too and it HUUUURTS! I've definitely learned not to make sure I stick the beaters in before plugging the mixer in *sigh*

    Hope your hand is ok ;)

  27. That is awful! I have always wondered what would happen if my fingers got caught in the mixer, thanks for letting me know :) I'm glad nothing was seriously injured. Also. You are brave for trying salmon in a can. Just sayin.

  28. That might be a sign it's time for Beau to be grilling and you to be outta that kitchen for a while.

    I can't wait to see the pictures!

  29. Geeze oh Pete Lady- STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!!! Sounds like a rough week. I think I'd go out for drinks this weekend if I were you. Oh and while your out, drink one for me :)

  30. how many of these posts do you have to write about you and your love child Shay? seriously, there is only so much jealousy I can take.

  31. Laughed til I cried!
    My mom taught me how to make salmon patties..over the phone. I almost. Freaked when I opened the can but she talked me throught it. That's the first and last time I ever made salmon patties!

    Fingers in the mixer?? Seriously steph, you're making me look bad! Lol!

    Love you baby! Thanks for dinner last night!

    Momma J

  32. I've never seen my fingers go in so many different directions all at the same time...except for when I speak sign language...which I don't do either... OMG steph!!!! I dieeed!!!

    I hope your lil fingies are okay!!!!!! haha and beau kisses must make everything better!!

    and speaking of unmatching earrings, I wore a thong yesterday that is one of my favs...but tehe little string that holds it up, ya know, ON MY BODY, was on its last leg. I'm like okay baby thongy you can make it one more day. But doesnt near the middle of the day i feel a little roughness? it ripped...and it was like i wasnt wearing any undies. There was some chaffing. There were some almost tears. There were some swears. Note to self----buy new underwear when need be

    and i agre with jealous of this Shay talk because i miss that child!! BUT...see you soon my sexy lover :-)

    bring the canned salmon...maybe we can have a girls night and use it as a face mask :-) I call the eyeballs


  33. OMG fingers in the mixer!!!! I almost cried for you, that sounds so painful! Owie Steffers! The photos are gorgeous and I cannot wait to see them!!! I love that Mr. Drew took pics of her taking pics because this way we get sneak peeks :)

  34. Salmon in a can? That's just not right! Makes me want to gag thinking about it yuckkkkk. Your poor hand, I hope you're okay!!! You should get a kitchen aid so you don't have to worry about your hands getting stuck haha! And ummmm those pics look adorable!!! Can't wait to see more!

  35. This seriously cracked me up! So sorry about your fingers! However I've had plenty of moments and days JUST LIKE THAT!


  36. I can't believe someone else did that too. I too have "mixed" my fingers, the new rule is the beaters go in the mixer before it's turned on. I stood there in shock for a minute before realizing I should try to turn it off, luckily my mom came along and yanked the cord out of the wall. I dislocated my finger, and the next morning at 7:30am I had exams. I hope your fingers are doing ok.


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