A Day in the Life of Me.

First of all, can we start out with the fact that I'm lucky to be sitting here pecking at this keyboard?

*Warning: if words like "shit", "mother effer" or "damn" offend you, 

you might want to go ahead and click that little red "X" in the corner of your screen*

So the other night I decided to turn into Betty Crocker and make "Applesauce Cupcakes" for my nursing team at work. (BTW-it's nurses' week. Shout out to all the nurses!!)

Ok-back to Betty Crocker...

So I found this recipe on Pinterest and thought "What the hay? Let's give it a whirl." (I should have prefaced this by saying "I DO NOT BAKE." I just don't. There are one too many rules to be followed when you bake and following rules is not my forte.) Whatever. I'll bake for my nurses...

So I head to the grocery store for all the 'gredients, get home and start reading the recipe. 

A hand mixer? Say wha? 

Yes. I have one but I mean, really? Can't I just stir it all up in super-duper fast mode and get the same effect? Wouldn't that serve the same purpose without me having to get out yet another appliance? Yea...I didn't think so. (Reason #3467 why I don't bake: too many tools, too many ingredients, too much measuring.)

Fine. Hand-mixer it is.

I get it out, plug it in, rummage through the kitchen drawer for the mixers. Plug the first one in. Plug the second one in. And this is when shit went wrong...

You see...when I went to put the second mixer in, my hand holding the actually base of the mixer slipped and hit the "ON" button. And by "ON" I mean it definitely slipped all the freaking way up to the highest setting possible, meanwhile, my other hand is STUCK IN THE MOVING MIXER.

To paint the picture for you...imagine one hand holding the base of the mixer with the other hand completely stuck completely in the other mixer on the highest speed possible. I swear that thing get's 5,000 RPM...

Talk. About. Tears.

I've never seen my fingers go in so many different directions all at the same time...except for when I speak sign language...which I don't do either...

I rest my case.

There were tears. And sweet Beau kisses. And the cupcakes were pretty damn good if I must say so myself (sans fingers, of course.)

Moral of the story: when your hand gets stuck in the mixer, it's a 
sure sign from God that you should go ahead and retire from your baking career.

***
My seecond fail of the week was yet again...in the kitchen.
Oh-and the same night as the Betty Croker fail. (Damn it, Stephanie!)

Here I am testing out yet another new recipe...this time...salmon patties. I open the main ingredient: canned salmon, only to find that by "canned salmon" they meant "Hey. Let's throw an entire freaking fish into a blender and can that shit" because that's exactly what it was. Shredded salmon stuffed up in a can. Bones, scales, eyeballs...you name it, it was canned. (Why on Earth ANYONE would intentionally buy this is physically and mentally BEYOND me...)

I should have known it was going to be a rough night in the kitchen from the second my phalanges (aka: fingers for all you non-anatomical peeps) got stuck in that hand-mixer...Seriously.

Screw you hand-mixer.
Stupid freaking salmon...
Never again.

Moral of the story: DON'T buy canned salmon, 
stick to the recipes you're used to & no one gets hurt.
***
And just one more awesomesauce example of a day in the life of me...

This morning, my alarm failed to go off (Guh-reat. I should have known right then and there it was going to be one of "those" days). I ran out of the house with wet hair, half-ass makeup only to find out at ONE P.M. that I'm wearing two totally different earrings. Mother effer.
You've got to be kidding, right??

{at least I was kinda close, right?}

Apparently all the cool kids can't cook AND wear mis-matched earrings...you should try it some time.

This is my life. I don't know why I'm surprised...
***

And now that you've wasted 10 minutes of your life reading about my misfortunes of the week, what do you say we end on a couple more pics from this weekend's photoshoot:

That Shalyn...sigggh.
I can. NOT. wait to see the real things!

Does anyone else find it incredibly sweet that her adorable Drew Drew takes
 pictures of her while she's taking pictures of her subject?! Seriously adorable. :)
***
Happy Thursday, friends. Who needs a cocktail?