To whom it may concern:

Dear Face,

I would appreciate it if you'd quit acting like a hormonal teenage boy. It's not pretty and I'm sick of dealing with it. I don't even want to know what kind of damage you've done to yourself and I'm sick of spending countless in front of the mirror. Yes-I may love the idea of picking at my face all day everyday, but I know it's not good so if you could just clear up on your own, that'd be great.

Thanks,
The girl who thanks God for makeup on the daily
...

Dear "The Limited",

You need new staff in your marketing department. Posting signs all over your store that say "40% off shirts" when what you meant to say was "40% off BUTTON-UPS ONLY" is pretty lame. I didn't waste an hour of my life to trek through the mall in heels and a suit to try on 4 shirts, totally fall in love with them only to be disappointed at the register when I find out they are, indeed, regular price because "the 40% off only applies to button ups". Really??? Where the eff in this store does it say that??? And NO. I didn't want those shirts anyway.

Boycotting for a month,
Your pissed off customer
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Dear friend whore,

Just because you come into contact with someone for longer than 4 seconds doesn't necessarily mean they're your new "BFF". Would you consider them to be a bridesmaid in your wedding? Do they even know where you went to high school or what your parents names are? Would they be at the hospital when you had your first child? No? Then they probably don't qualify as a "best friend". There's a pretty big difference between a "friend" and a "best friend". Figure it out before your real "BFFs" drop you like a fly. As far as I'm concerned, I start to wonder if you even have any real "best friends"...because it seems like anyone that's breathing is considered one.

Sincerely,
A true friend
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Dear husband,

I'm not ok with you driving my new car like it's your truck. You can't run over curbs, potholes and speed bumps like it's a stick in the road. Although you may think it's pointless, the a/c and radio are to be turned to the "OFF" mode before exiting the vehicle. My car, my rules. Oh-and no farting in the vehicle. I'd like the new car smell to stay around a little longer.

istillloveyou

Sincerely,
Your loving wife who knows you'll be trucking around in her Lexus while she's out of town
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Dear work blog,

I adore you and love that I get the privilege to write for you everyday. I really am. Buuuut I'm totally not looking forward to writing the editorial on the FDA that's due this Friday. I know you have access to the internet (you know...GOOGLE...or Ask Jeeves) so if you could do a little research on your own and just throw something into that big blank post space, I'd love you foreva.

Yours truly,

FDA editorial hater

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Dear mother nature,

Cool it. You're the one to blame for this bitchy post and the fact that at any second I could go off like a ticking time bomb. Although I'm thrilled to not be knocked up, is it really necessary to turn me into this psychotic demon every month?

I hate you (& so does my husband),
A very normal, loving, non-PMSing Stephanie
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...and because nobody likes a negative nancy....

Dear Katy Perry Pandora,

Thank you for being so girlishly awesome. You, my friend, rock my morning routines and my commute to work and for that-I heart you. If I have to listen to "TGIF" everyday for the rest of my life I totally wouldn't hate it.

Sincerely,

This country music two stepper turned hot pink lipstick wearing rocker chick ;)

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Rant over. Stephanie out.