Beachy Keen

Spring has definitely "sprung" here in the Lonestar State! (And by "spring", I mean "85 degree temps"). You know me...the second that temperature gauge gets above 75 I'm in a swimsuit.

Fortunately, for moi, I've already been able to hit up the beach twice this year to get mahself a little sunkissed for the upcoming swimsuit season.

Last weekend @ Clearwater Beach

Seriously, y'all, if I could get paid for being a beach bum, I'd be really, really successful. Most likely a 25-year old retiree. Just saying...

This weekend at the pool.

With that being said, I can't help but get excited about new swimmy suits. I am all about swimsuits. Not exaggerating. I'd rather spend twice as much on a swimsuit as I do a pair of shoes or a new purse. It's just my thang...

And when you live in the Sahara Dessert (aka: TEXAS) and your summers last a near 8 months, it's "okay" to drop a few hunskies on an article of clothing that barely covers your lady parts. (Beau-just pretend you didn't read that part...)

I do, however, have a few rules when it comes to purchasing said article of clothing:

[ONE] Price IS a proxy for premium. Don't forget that ladies. I have spent a pretty penny on many, many swimsuits and you know what...it's damn worth it. They don't fall apart, the colors don't fade, the butt doesn't sag halfway through the season and they tend to not snag as easily. Not just that but as with any higher-end article of clothing, it just plain fits better. My butt cheeks stay in place, the padding doesn't get all funky inside and my muffin-top "magically" disappears...

Don't get me wrong...I'm all about Tarjay's swimsuits because their pricetag is rather persuading but I prepare myself with the fact that [1] every other girl and her dog will probably have it on and [2] it probably won't last me until the end of summer.

While I may not be a swimsuit expert, I do have my"regulations" when it comes to swimsuit shopping:

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ABSOLUTELY NO:

[2] SOLIDS: 

I hate solid swimsuits. SO BORING!!!! This is the ONE thing you can go crazy with. Why waste your money on something so lame? {Gag. No thanks.}

[3] MISMATCHING:

This drives me absolutely nuts. It's not cute. It DOESN'T match! Really...this so-called "trend" will never make sense to me.

[4] TRIANGLE TOPS:

Sure I have a few of these laying around but they're really not for me anymore. First of all, they flatten me out like a pancake. Scratch that...they make my ta-tas look concaved and, well, that's just not cute...I don't care who you are. Second, the idea of my back fat rolling over the thin little string on the sides makes me want to vom. Not attractive ladies. (And yes-I have back fat...)

[5] TIES ON HIPS:

I don't know the technical word for this but it's the bottoms that have, well, a tie on the hips. Again, I have my fair share of these from previous years but here lately, I feel like they put me back in my braces, awkward, no-hips, teenage years. Plus-they emphasize el-hippos...an area I don't need help with. Thanks but no thanks.

 YES:

[6] RUFFLES/BOWS:

Seriously...the girlier the better. Beau can't STAND it and often times, deems me to the kiddie pool but what does he know?? I say: ruffle it up, ladies!

[7] BRIGHTS:

I have never been a dark/dull colored swimsuit person. Sure-I've had my fair share of dark swimsuits but they always pack a hot pink or lime green punch to 'em. It's summertime! Be LOUD for Pete's sake!

[8] STRAPLESS:

I'm okay with tanlines, really, but if I have the option, I'd rather not have those obnoxious lines that show when I wear a strapless dress. Bandau tops are my frands.

[9] UNIQUE:

If there's one thing I can't stand it's having the same swimsuit as someone else...especially if that someone else is a string-bean and they look ten times better in it than I do. I'm all for being original when it comes to your bikini. That's all there is to it.

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A few beauties I'm currently lusting over:

(The swimsuits, people. Not the actual "beauties")

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Now if I could just have this girl's "upper half", I'd be a happy girl!
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Who else is SO ready to spend every Saturday and Sunday under the sun??!!